When I was little, I struggled with everything I did. I was clumsy — helping mum prepare food at home, for example. It was a disaster. By the time I was 12, I think I had broken more than half of the plates my mother had held in her kitchen, dropping them when asked to bring them to the dinner table. It was a disaster playing soccer with my friends also. I could not kick a ball straight. I was asked to be a goalkeeper — limiting the damages I could do on the field. I felt weak — all the time. In school, I had difficulty speaking with my classmates. Being around people was not my thing. I was shy. I had my first kiss at 25. She was a beautiful girl. We got along well. She left my town a year later on my birthday on the 23rd of march. I was hurt. After her, I built a thinker skin and protected myself from getting hurt again — feeling like sadness was the only emotion I could ever experience. At 26, I started to isolate myself. I would no longer go out of my house.
My family did not help me accept who I was growing up. I was ill - but never said so. When I got older, I realized I was different because I was born differently—genetically unwell. I have had one disease that prevents me from getting deep into a relationship with someone. Incapable of doing anything without getting sick. I have had to wear a musk going out all the time. My life drastically changed when my immune defenses started attacking my own body.
Today, I live my life disconnected from the world around me. I got tired of explaining myself to people. I lost contact with my family. They had expectations I was never able to fulfill. I felt lonely for most of my childhood. My family had never asked me how I felt about this. They did not even try. I guess they were ashamed, as much as I was, of having a "strange" kid like me.
When I get up in the morning, I feel tired as an entire day of work has just come by. This illness completely changed who I am. I feel like I had drunk alcohol the night before and cannot remember anything. My friends also never understood me. They never tried. Back then, my friends and family opinions mattered more than my own. I still feel so sad about what they made me feel at times. Today I feel lighter. I care less about what other people think of me. I got selfish. I think I can say that. I am more aware of the people I surround myself with. And I think I lead a healthier life without them.